The Spira News
by xX GTAshadow Xx
Summary: The news that's too weird to make sense!
1. Rikku's 'Eyes On Me?

**Welcome to the Spira News! The News That's Too Screwed Up To Mean Anything!**

Rikku couldn't save the chocobos. And why was there a chocobo standing in the doorway leading to Macalania Temple? I thought I saw Seymour with Yuna. I'll help Tidus kill him. I'll also tell Seymour to kill himself. The Ronso Tribe ate all the leftovers from Lulu's party. Wakka got injured in the last blitzball tournament. Again? Yes, again.

Where did the Flans go? Did they get out? 'Cause if they did... I guess Kimahri will eat them. Rikku! Rikku kicked Brother out and had her own party on the airship! She even sang a song! Here it is:

_**Frahajan cyhk so cuhkc**_

_**Uh dra cdyka, Uh so ufh**_

_**Frahajan cyet so funtc**_

_**Fecrehk drao fuimt pa raynt**_

_**E cyf oui csemehk yd sa**_

_**Fyc ed naym un zicd so vyhdyco?**_

_**Oui't ymfyoc pa drana eh dra lunhan**_

_**Uv drec deho meddma pyn**_

_**So mycd hekrd rana vun oui**_

_**Cysa umt cuhkc zicd uhla suna**_

_**So mycd hekrd rana fedr oui?**_

_**Syopa oac Syopa hu**_

_**E geht uv megat ed ouin fyo**_

_**Ruf oui cromo bmylat ouin aoac uh sa**_

_**Tet oui ajan ghuf dryd E ryt seha uh oui?**_

_**Tynmehk cu drana oui yna**_

_**Fedr dryd muug uh ouin vyla**_

_**Yc ev oui'na hajan rind**_

_**Yc ev oui'na hajan tufh**_

_**Crymm E pa dra uha vun oui?**_

_**Fru behlrac oui cuvdmo pid cina?**_

_**Ev vnufh ec crufh drah E femm**_

_**Dryd oui yna hu tnaysan...**_

You may ask 'What the hell is it?'... well, everyone knows that Rikku's been practicing 'Eyes On Me' in Al Bhed lately! Why would she do that? Oh well, it's better than Wakka singing... well, anything.

Well, I can't wait until Rikku's next party! Keep 'em coming Rikku! And in other news: former Kilika Beasts Deim has joined the Besaid Aurochs in order to be with her lover Larbeight. Ain't they a cute couple? What? They're not? **Ur, vun lnoeh' uid muit**...

The Luca Goers still won't give up that sexy Linna! Wakka wishes they would... then Wedge would have some company. Stupid Kyou... him and his mad passing skillz! Seymour still hasn't shown up. Probably scared of Tidus shoving a long, hard, water-filled Brotherhood sword up his ass... wait, that doesn't sound right... dammit, Tidus! You screwed it all up again! No! Not like that! NO! Get away from Yuna, you jerk!

Well, that's all for the Spira News. Till next time!

Oh, and Tidus: **_STOP STARING AT THAT DAMN GIANT MONSTER ARENA BIRD AND ATTACK ALREADY!_**

_**To Be Continued...**_


	2. Mad Chocobos!

**Welcome To The Spira News!**

Again, those chocobos have started run loose after Wakka threw his blitzball at them. They have already taken over the Temple in Besaid and Keepa is the only one who is there to fight. Yeah, Keepa is our hero. We're gonna die. Auron went on a mad killing spree with his Masamune after he found out that the booze supply in Luca has run out. This is due to Bickson and the other Luca Goers.

Oh! Rikku's done it again! This time, she's done 'Melodies of Life'!

_**Ymuha vun yfrema**_

_**E'ja paah caylrehk drnuikr tyng**_

_**Vun dnylac uv dra muja oui mavd**_

_**Ehceta so muhamo raynd**_

_**Du fayja po belgehk ib dra bealac dryd nasyeh**_

_**Samuteac uv Meva, muja'c mucd navnyeh**_

_**Uin bydrc fa tet lnucc, huf E lyhhud cyo zicd fro**_

_**Fa sad, fa myikrat, fa ramt uh vycd**_

_**Yht drah fa cyet kuutpoa**_

_**Yht fru'mm rayn dra alruac uv cduneac hajan dumt**_

_**Mad dras nehk uid muit 'demm drao ihvumt**_

_**Eh so taynacd sasuneac**_

_**E caa oui naylrehk uid du sa**_

_**Druikr oui'na kuha**_

_**E cdemm pameaja dryd oui lyh lymm**_

_**Uid so hysa**_

_**Y juela vnus dra bycd**_

_**Zuehehk ouinc yht seha**_

_**Yttehk ib dra myoanc uv rynsuho**_

_**Yht cu ed kuac uh yht uh**_

_**Samuteac uv Meva**_

_**Du dra cgo paouht dra vmoehk pentc**_

_**Vunajan yht paouht**_

Wow... Rikku's great! Looks like Tidus has been fighting more creatures at the Arena! He got beaten by the Cactuar King! That little shrimp? Here I thought he'd be this huge bastard! And Fenrir? FORGET ABOUT IT! Aw, look! Deim and Larbeight are walking together! Wait! No! Get the hell away from there, Bickson! You suck! You're gay! I feel sorry for Doram! She loves you, you stupid gay Luca Goers midfielder! Actually, Ronso Fangs jerk! Ronso Fangs are no longer Ronso, as for some STUPID reason, they fired their last Ronso, Gazna. Now what are they? The Luca Fangs, 'cause they got at least three of the Luca Goers? And as for the Goers? They've gone Guado! The Ronso are spread around... The Aurochs have Argai. Who gives a crap where the others are!

Oh, and the Luca Goers are hogging that hot babe, Linna! Those asshats!

Random Things in Besaid? Yuna fell down the stairs in the temple, Wakka fell out of a tree, Keepa went back to drinking, Datto can still learn any move, Botta is a loser, Jassu kicked Luzzu out of the tent, and Tidus ate a Dingo.

Random Things in Kilika? Nothing, 'cause they suck! Wait, Nizarut is still mad about no one wanting to sign him 'cause he sucks!

Random Things in Luca? Bickson is gay, Auron is mad about the booze shortage, Zev Ronso is with the Kilika Beasts, and Wedge won't leave the Aurochs.

Oh? Time's up? Oh well... here's a movie sphere:

Wakka is seen dancing with the Besaid Aurochs. Tidus is eating another Dingo. Lulu is chasing Kimahri after he stole her One MP cost Cactuar Doll, Rikku is practicing her next big Al Bhed hit, Yuna fell down the stairs again, Auron is still mad and has now started a petition to get more booze, and Deim and Larbeight are... oh! Let's keep that a secret, ya?

_**To Be Continued...**_

Things to ponder... What if Seymour played Blitzball? How many Dingos can Tidus eat? Does he wash them down with a Water Flan? Is Rikku a 'Lindsay Lohan' wannabe? Will Auron succeed in getting more booze? Why won't the Luca Goers give up Linna? She's hot! She boils the water in the sphere! She melts the ice in Macalania!

...Whatever.


	3. An Interview With Rikku!

Welcome back! And... oh... Rikku's practicing still! And Brother has left the airship for awhile. Where'd he go? He joined the Luca Goers! They fired Linna! Poor Linna... Tidus decided to hire the sexy 900-gil star. Sexiest Sphere Shot in Spira! Auron continued his killing spree in the Zanarkand Ruins. Yuna fell down the stairs again... someone should go catch her...

Wait! Fyed! Rikku's ready! Ready, Rikku? This time it's... what? Oh, don't say it yet... all right.

_**E fydlrat dra fymmc ynuiht sa lnispma**_

_**Pid ed'c hud mega E fuh'd piemt dras ib ykyeh**_

_**Cu rana'c ouin mycd lryhla vun natasbdeuh**_

_**Cu dyga ed frema ed mycdc 'lyica ed femm aht**_

_**So daync yna dinhehk ehdu desa**_

_**E'ja fycdat dnoeh' du veht naycuh vun kuutpoa**_

_**E lyh'd meja fedruid oui**_

_**Lyh'd pnaydra fedruid oui**_

_**E's tnaysehk ypuid oui**_

_**Ruhacdmo, damm sa dryd ed'c ujan**_

_**Ed'c mega dra funmt ec cbehhehk**_

_**Yht E's cdemm mejehk**_

_**Ed fuh'd pa nekrd ev fa'na hud eh ed dukadran**_

_**Damm sa dryd ed'c ujan**_

_**Yht E'mm pa dra vencd du ku**_

_**Tuh'd fyhhy pa dra mycd du ghuf**_

_**Fuh'd pa dra uha du lryca oui**_

_**Pid yd dra cysa desa, oui'na dra raynd dryd E lymm rusa**_

_**E's ymfyoc cdilg fedr draca asudeuhc**_

_**Yht dra suna E dno du vaam dra macc E's fruma **_

_**So daync yna dinhehk ehdu desa**_

_**E'ja fycdat dnoeh' du veht naycuh vun kuutpoa**_

_**E lyh'd meja fedruid oui**_

_**Lyh'd pnaydra fedruid oui**_

_**E's tnaysehk ypuid oui**_

_**Ruhacdmo, damm sa dryd ed'c ujan**_

_**Ed'c mega dra funmt ec cbehhehk**_

_**Yht E's cdemm mejehk**_

_**Ed fuh'd pa nekrd ev fa'na hud eh ed dukadran**_

_**Damm sa dryd ed'c ujan**_

_**Yht E'mm pa dra vencd du ku**_

_**Oayr, E'mm pa dra vencd du ku**_

_**Tuh'd fyhhy pa dra mycd du ghuf**_

_**Ujan**_

_**Ujan**_

_**Ujan**_

_**So daync yna dinhehk ehdu desa**_

_**E'ja fycdat dnoeh' du veht**_

_**Y naycuh vun kuutpoa**_

_**Ruhacdmo, damm sa**_

_**Ruhacdmo, damm sa**_

_**Tuh'd damm sa dryd ed'c ujan**_

_**Tuh'd damm sa dryd ed'c ujan **_

OK... it's "Over", isn't it?

_**Yep! It's "Over"! I wanna be like Lindsay Lohan!**_

...Whatever.

_**I heard somone else say that before... I was in some town called Balamb...**_

Rikku... there's some sugar cookies in the back room. They're all for you!

_**YAY! Sugar cookies! **_

ANYWAY! ...Here! Poor Linna has no place to stay... (lusa du so bmyla, pypa)... however, I did see her flying the airship... Brother and her have switched places? Teams AND places? HA! Stupid Brother...

Argai Ronso was signing autographs! He was the top scorer last league!

There's a rumor... Tidus is not satisfied with the Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot "Mark III", there is no Mark I or Mark II. So, now Tidus is trying to create the ultimate Jecht Shot. He's trained enough to do so, I have heard.

I have to be better than my old man.

Yes, of course.

Linna is still at Macarena Temple.

_Macalania_ Temple!

Aye?

Or... Macaroni Temple... fine, Seymour is dead. Dead and sent by Yuna. Then, on the way out of Sin, Yuna fell down the stairs, but Tidus caught her. In your face, Kimahri!

Well... that's all the news? Oh, all right...

_**To Be Continued...**_

And remember... the ruins of Zanarkand will be waiting!

JECHT...

...SHOT

...2!


	4. Jecht Shot 2!

Hey! Tidus is here! Well, anything you got to say?

Yeah... I made the Jecht Shot 2.

What? Cool. Anyway, Rikku's gonna sing again. It's a faster one due to those sugar cookies... (oh yeah, we need more, she's gonna want 'em).

Well, Rikku's new song's here:

**_Cydintyo cdabbeh' ehdu dra lmip_**

_**Cusaputo fyhhy damm dra DJ Dinh Ed Ib**_

_**E vaam dra ahanko ymm ynuiht**_

**_Yht so puto lyh'd cdub sujehk du dra cuiht_**

**_Pid E lyh damm dryd oui'na fydlrehk sa_**

**_Yht oui'na bnupypmo kuhhy fneda fryd oui teth'd caa_**

_**Famm E zicd haat y meddma cbyla du pnaydra**_

_**Lyh oui bmayca nacbald so bnejylo**_

**_Fro lyh'd oui zicd mad sa_**

_**Tu dra drehkc E fyhhy tu**_

_**E zicd fyhhy pa sa**_

**_E tuh'd ihtancdyht fro_**

_**Fuimt oui fyhhy pnehk sa tufh**_

**_Ev E's uhmo ryjehk vih_**

**_E's kuhhy meja so meva_**

_**(hud dra fyo oui fyhd sa du)**_

**_E's denat uv nisunc cdyndehk_**

**_E's celg uv paehk vummufat_**

**_E's denat uv baubma moehk_**

_**Cyoehk fryd drao fyhd ypuid sa**_

**_Fro lyh'd drao pylg ib uvv sa_**

**_Fro lyh'd drao mad sa meja_**

**_E's kuhhy tu ed so fyo_**

_**Dyga drec vun zicd fryd ed ec**_

_**Rana fa yna pylg ib eh dra lmip**_

_**Baubma dygehk beldinac**_

**_Tuh'd oui drehg drao kad ahuikr_**

_**E zicd fyhhy pa ymm ujan dra vmuun**_

_**Yht drnuf so ryhtc ib eh dra yen du y payd mega (Fryd?)**_

**_E'ja kuddy cyo nacbaldvimmo_**

_**E fuimt mega ed ev oui dyga dra lysanyc uvv uv sa**_

'**_Lyica E zicd fyhd y meddma nuus du pnaydra_**

_**Lyh oui bmayca nacbald so bnejylo**_

**_Fro lyh'd oui zicd mad sa_**

_**Tu dra drehkc E fyhhy tu**_

_**E zicd fyhhy pa sa**_

**_E tuh'd ihtancdyht fro_**

_**Fuimt oui fyhhy pnehk sa tufh**_

**_Ev E's uhmo ryjehk vih_**

**_E's kuhhy meja so meva_**

_**(hud dra fyo oui fyhd sa du) **_

**_E's denat uv nisunc cdyndehk_**

**_E's celg uv paehk vummufat_**

**_E's denat uv baubma moehk_**

_**Cyoehk fryd drao fyhd ypuid sa**_

**_Fro lyh'd drao pylg ib uvv sa_**

**_Fro lyh'd drao mad sa meja_**

**_E's kuhhy tu ed so fyo_**

_**Dyga drec vun zicd fryd ed ec**_

_**E zicd haat du vnaa so seht (so seht)**_

_**Zicd fyhhy tyhla yht ryja y kuut desa (kuut desa)**_

**_E's denat uv nisunc (nisunc)_**

_**Vummufat (vummufat, vummufat, vummufat, vummufat, vummufat)**_

_**Fryd drao (vummuf) sa**_

**_Fro lyh'd drao (drao drao drao-drao-drao) mad sa meja_**

_**Dyga drec vun zicd fryd ed ec**_

Oh, there's gonna be some 'rumors' about that!

_**What do you mean 'rumors'?**_

Nothing! Oh, hey, Rikku! I see sugar cookies! In the back room again!

_**Where? Where? Massa yd 'as!**_

...oh, other news.. right. Poor Deim. Larbeight left the Aurochs to make room for... Tatts? Why the hell would they want Tatts? Invisible Shot? Isn't Jecht Shot 2 enough?

**Tysh dra Besaid Aurochs! Tatts ec y cdibet eteud fru lyh'd pnayg y vnekkeh' dylgma yht ra lyh'd cruud fundr y lnyb!**

Oh well... at least Wakka can score now... did you see that Venom Shot 2? RUMO CRED!

And about Deim... what about her? Oh... but I've got Linna... oh well... (fro tuh'd oui pudr lusa uh ujan?) ...what? Oh. Squall's dead. Oh? Fine! Tidus and his monster arena filling quest! He filled it? Loser.

Oh no, Rikku actually found the cookies again...

_**Sin ec paav! Sin is beef! SIN IS BEEF!**_

Someone tranquilize her...

_**SIN EC PAAV! Sin... ec... paav... beef... sugar... cookies.. Zzzzzz... BEEF COOKIES! Zzzzzzz...**_

Thank you, whoever you are!

I am Homer Simpson.

Oh, well thanks anyway. What? Time's up! RIKKU! You wasted our time! No more... oh.. she's asleep.. dammit!

_**To Be Continued With More News...**_

BLITZ OFF!


	5. Rikku's Not Singing?

Yeah! We're back on! And the Aurochs came with us! The new Aurochs: Shaami, Linna, Tidus, Deim, Kulukan, Keepa, Argai Ronso, and Wakka! Shaami has mastered the art of "Sexy Sphere Shootin'"! Shaami and Linna: the sexiest Sphere Shooters in Spira! And Deim and Kulukan: the Kilika Girls! Oh, and there's Tidus... and Keepa... and Wakka... and Argai Ronso... the oddballs of the team!

And here's Rikku!

**I'm... sorry... I... can't...sing.**

What? Why? Your throat sore?

**Yes... **

Oh... well, I guess the song's postponed then?

**Yeah...**

Oh, and Rikku... ? No more sugar cookies. Wait until you heal.

**Noooooooo... cough, cough ... **

Well, Rikku's sick... must be from her little camping trip at the Thunder Plains. Oh well, she's not astraphobic anymore!

Yff, E fyc kuhhy ryja cusa cikyn luugeac fedr Rikku... duu pyt.

Oh! An Al Bhed is here! He wants to talk about the new machina that they're working on in Zanarkand!

_Fa ryja piemd drec machina vnus byndc dryd fa ryja aqlyjydat vnus dra tacand. Ed ec kuehk du pa y knayd machina dryd femm pa ypma du lmayh ruicac, veq cdivv, yht ahdandyeh kiacdc. Fa femm lymm ed Servo yht ed cruimt lucd ypuid 15000-30000 gil._

**Ohhh... E tuh'd vaam jano kuut...**

Rikku! Go to bed and rest!

**Okay...**

That's it? That was short... I guess so, 'cause Rikku's not singing. Oh well... later!

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. The End of the Spira News

_Well, Rikku doesn't wanna sing yet. She says she's preparing something big... but WHAT? Screw it... ! Oh! Look! Tidus is here!_

I have Excalibur! Bow to me!

_All right... Tidus's Excalibur... let's see_

_**Excalibur: Break Damage Limit**_

_**Alchemy**_

_**First Strike**_

_**One MP Cost**_

_Weird... that's the Excalibur? Oh well, looks like he's ready for it! Maybe he'll take it to the Ultimate Deathmatches... ?_

'Course I will!

_We won't let Cid and his band sing. They sound worse than a pack of 50 Great Malboros. And they smell worse too! They make the Malboros flee! Speaking of Malboros... Rikku! Did you use all our gil bribing that damn Malboro?_

**Uhhh, no? ...gotta go!**

_What's this? She dropped 4 Wings to Discovery... Rikku!_

(Kairi...)

_What? Who's there? Oh, Sora... get outta here._

_And now... Wakka quit blitzball again. He's been replaced by Vilucha of Besaid Island. She's no Shaami or Linna, but what the hell? Oh great.. this means that the Besaid Aurochs are now 90 female! Shaami, Vilucha, Linna, Deim, Kulukan... and then Tidus, Argai Ronso, and Keepa. Yeah, 90 female... and that's it!_

_Yeah, the Spira News has come to an end. It's rather boring here nowadays. Let's let Lulu take over while I head on over to Ivalice. WHOO HOO! GO IVALICE!_

_**THE END!**_

_So long... Spira. We shall meet again._

_Dysfunctionally sane don't give a damn..._

_...disconnected... !_


End file.
